Elder Evan Palmer

Wow! Today has been a journey for sure!

I sorted through 2 boxes that were full of papers, journals and pictures. I am sooo grateful that the Lord has blessed me with a passion for reading & writing. There was a letter that I had written to my brother while he was on his mission 20 years ago and I never sent it. While reading it I realized that it was mostly about all the concerns I had about each member of my family at that time. 

Apparently I had made a goal to get along with and maintain a positive connection with everyone in my family.  Something was about to change at that time and I was really concerned about how that was going to affect the progress I was making.

I realize now that there were so many things that I had absolutely no control over at that time.  What I didn't understand at that time was that the Lord was not expecting me to fix all the problems.  What he wanted me to know and understand is just how important it is to trust Him.  He wanted me to pray.  He wanted me to go to him and pray for my family.  Things have still not fully resolved from that time period but I continue to pray that they will.

I've had several small miracles happen when I have spoken with my children on the phone or skyped that tell me that Heavenly Father is hearing my prayers.  One that stands out in particular was when I showed a picture to my son that I had of him.  Something told me to pick up the photo album with that picture in it and show it to him.  Before I did that though he told me to wait, he had something to show me.  He came back with the very same picture that I was holding that I hadn't showed him yet.  It was him in his boy scout uniform.  I was totally floored.  It was so random and so awesome! I was able to use that as a teaching moment and explain to Romeo that the Holy Ghost had prompted us to show those pictures to each other.  It was such a great connection and hopefully showed him how much I think about him.

I was explaining to my son recently how we are not perfect beings (yet).  Jesus was the only perfect being on the earth.  I told Romeo that because he was perfect we could never go wrong when we follow his example.  Jesus prayed and blessed people and performed miracles.  We can as well pray and bless people through our prayers and watch miracles happen.  The best miracles are the ones that happen within ourselves.

Philippians 4:6-7 says "Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

I have been able to experience that peace and I pray that I can continue to experience it.

I was with my dad in the parking lot of my least favorite place to shop. All of a sudden a police woman ran up to the man about 4-5 yards in front of me.  She had what I think was a tasor gun pointed at him and told him to get on the ground. The man was crying and scared, as he should have been. I was of course in shock and scared and it took me a few minutes to slowly back away.  After I got over the initial shock, that woman became my hero.  Not just because she caught a potential "bad guy" but because she performed her job with such confidence. 

I pray daily for confidence.  I struggle between the balance of being caring and understanding and being tough.  I do think it's possible to do both but I also think it's unfortunate that I have to live in a world where the latter is a necessity.  In kindergarten my favorite section to play in in the classroom was the area with the little kitchen and the babies.  I simply loved being a little "mommy."  It's where I felt the most comfortable and at home.  I was in my element.  Over the past few years I have been completely thrown out of my element.  Being separated from my children and the place where I grew up has been extremely difficult.  I have no doubt in my mind that what I'm going through right now is helping to develop my "toughness"  however I think it is increasing my understanding and capacity to do good.  As long as I keep looking to God for answers, I have no doubt that he will help me become the confident person that he knows I can be.

Weaknesses

I've recently been struggling with one of my weaknesses.  It surfaces when I have extra stress.  I think I struggle with it in general but when I have to focus all of my energy on something that drains me of my defenses, the result is a weakened state of mind.

I am truly amazed that even though I am unhappy with God when I am experiencing my stressful situation, I still find myself asking for help. So even though in my head I am saying, "this is not cool" and I threaten to do something that would be counterproductive to my situation, there is still a small whisper of "please help me God."  Almost immediately a thought pops in my head, as if a rope is thrown down to me as I am hanging from the side of a mountain.  That thought leads me to a safe place where I can gain strength to fight my weakness.  These thoughts are anywhere from call somebody, read something that will give me an answer, like the scriptures, listen to uplifting music etc.  Sometimes it's helpful to just let out a scream.  Most recently I called a few friends to help me out of my situation and guess what. It helped.

This is one of the ways that Heavenly Father shows me that he loves me and cares about me.  It builds my testimony that he does work through others.  There is a chapter in the LDS gospel principles book on Service.  It talks about how "through the service of men and women and boys and girls, Gods work is done.  God notices us, and he watches over us.  But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs" (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball [2006], 82).

I am smiling after I win my battle because I know that Heavenly Father is happy with my choice and continues to bless me and make me stronger.  My favorite analogy in the whole world is that of the donkey in a well.   I see the person throwing the dirt on the donkey as the adversary. http://www.wisdomshare.com/stories/the-farmers-donkey/

I am grateful for God's love for me and the small miracles that happen every day because He listens and I listen back.

Visiting

I was recently motivated to start blogging again.  I had 3 people talk to me about it and by the 3rd person I finally got the hint!  It's as if heaven was trying to tell me something! Lol!

My blogs in the past although humorous at times, had some depressing undertones to them. I want to change that with this blog. I believe that God wants me to be happy and to move forward with my life.  I've been through a lot but who hasn't these days?

I've been visiting with many family members since my move from San Diego, California to Mesquite, Texas.  My most recent visit has been with my cousin and his wife.  They are absolutely adorable.  Marriage is still new for them. I really enjoy watching them interact with each other.  It has brought back many memories from my previous marriage...relax, the good ones.  There are things that I really miss about being married. Having someone to laugh with, go grocery shopping with, hold hands with cry with and dare I say it...have sex with.  Well, maybe someday I will be able to have those things again but for now I am happy to be able to spend time with my family members and recharge my spiritual batteries.  

Remembering the pieces of goodness from my marriage is anything but a small miracle.  I'm thankful that I have family members to help me remember.